Jan 29, 2018 10:09 am
Yesterday marked the 6 year anniversary of when my ex-husband left me, the kids and the home.
Yesterday marked the anniversary of the dissolution of my belief in trust and loyalty.
There’s not a moment of that day have I forgotten. I remember it so clearly as if I were staring at my face in the mirror. In essence, it has remained a part of me – an enduring part of me. Not suffocating me anymore, but part of my being.
It’s funny how that happens – you wake up in an epiphany that suddenly resolves you of who you are. Well, at least that’s how I felt it happened. One day I was blogging about Red Wine Guy and the Dinner and Drinks Guy, and a few days later, realized I’m no longer subjecting myself to their behavior, no longer going to be that dice in the game. I’m not a crap shoot in the dark.
I met Sexy Hippy guy a few months back and thought…well, he’s younger, is that awful? I decided I really didn’t care. Today, I don’t care and have since decided to not dwell on his age. I like where I’m at with my life, and well…if things progress, they do – and if not, then they don’t.
I’m really not sure if it was a good night’s sleep that pushed me into this comfortable state of my reality or if it was just the progression of feelings that finally nestled into my being forcing me to feel this way? Was it a natural progression or a forced one made up of experiences? I can’t say for certain, but I’m glad it has finally taken a hold of me.
What I do know is that I lived life in so many different phases and had such mixed up emotions that I believe it some how guided me to this place. I went through different stages that allowed me to experience different moments. I used to dwell on the mistakes I made in those moments; beating myself up over the choices I made. What I failed to recognize was that those moments would flee. They were insignificant moments.
And that’s what happens.
We have insignificance in life – instead of trying to analyze what they mean, we need to just live it…breathe it….survive it. Going through a divorce is tough and just messy. It’s inevitable. What I’ve learned is to embrace the messiness. That it’s ok to be messy. Life is messy. Life is not over as we come to believe when we divorce, rather it’s lived in all of these undefinable moments of discomfort.
My blog shows how messy and confused I was about men. I was so desperate to find someone to care for me, to love me. I was so confused about what defined me and my relationships and now know that it’s not the company I keep. It’s made up of my words and my deeds; it’s my choices and my repercussions.
It’s me. I define me!
It’s taken me six years to arrive – but I’m here now! And I’m not leaving!