July 5, 2020. 8:07 pm
What’s wrong with me?
Why am I still single?
So my answers are that I am too fat, middle-aged and that is why I am single. I know, negative self-talk is not allowed, but I cannot find anyone to date me, let alone like me enough to date me. I’m not sure what’s wrong, but feeling like this puts me in low self-esteem mode. Dejection pushes me towards self-sabotage, which then leads me to self-hatred. I eventually pull myself out of it as suicide is not an answer. I just wish I knew why I’m so unable to find a suitable partner for myself. I’ve tried paid and non-paid dating sites, and the prospects are all the same. So I go back to square one with those boring dating sites only to find the same results.
I am criticized for wanting that – my friends and my children say that I don’t need anyone. That I’m doing fine just the way I am. But obviously they do not suffer from abandonment issues like myself. That’s a different monster in itself because you worry about every relationship you have, platonic, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, any type as long as you are making connections, there is fret. I used to put myself out there with honesty, transparency, and it’s too much – tailor it back, they tell me. I don’t even know what that happy medium is anymore. I’m just too much.
It seems that I’m too much.
My life up to this point has been good as long as I don’t focus on the negative aspects – and there are plenty. As my daughter pointed out the other day, I have been to hell and back many times. I guess what one determines as hell. might actually be considered uncomfortable and not hellish. All I know is that it seems like it never ends, almost as thought I invite it.
So when I discuss with my children that we are responsible for our actions as it has consequences, maybe I don’t think enough on it. Maybe I don’t care. I’m not saying that people deserve to be hurt, but sometimes, at least in my case, I might say something knowingly that it will cause trouble or angst, and I say it anyways. Rather than get mad for its consequences, I take responsibility and say, I knew that was going to happen and I deserve it.
My life has not been easy, yet I’m supposed to be thankful for it. I haven’t found the answer as to why I should. I guess I haven’t found my purpose for all the troubles. I’m not sure what to do with it. I wish I knew so that I can put this insanity out of my mind and move forward towards a more peaceful life.