Afraid

July 25, 2019. 2:31 pm

When he walks over to say “hello,” I want to smile coyly. I want him to notice the look in my eyes; I want him to notice that I too was staring at him from across the room.

When he walks over to ask me my name, I want his to roll off my lips before words are exchanged. I want him to know that I have been waiting for him my entire life.

When he walks over, I want to place my drink down and take his hand. I want him to hold mine and smile as though he had awaited that touch his entire life.

But when he does walk over, none of that happens.

Instead, I turn my head to spend time with my insecurities and silence falls out of my mouth and onto the bar.

His footsteps stop short; his breath moving my hairs on the back of my head as I feel his breadth slowly move further away from me.

As he walks away, I feel myself shrinking.

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What Do You Want Badly?

July 20, 2019 3:12 pm

The HBO series “Big Little Lies” tells a story about 5 women in a cozy little town in Monterey and they each have their own set of lies that they have lived with that finally entangles them in a lie so big that it creates turmoil that latches onto their emotions and destroys their relationships.

“Did you ever want it? Did you want it bad Ohhh, my
It tears me apart.”

That’s literally what happens in this series…it tears people apart.

Wanting something so badly does that to people. That wanting motivates people to achieve, to succeed, to come out on top. Not all the wanting that takes place is good, nor is it healthy, but it drives people!

We search; we agonize over these wants to the point that it negates anything good in our lives. We overlook the child, the spouse, the work…no matter. The want drives out anything good in our lives…but something needs to tether us down when the want gets so bad that we ignore what matters most.

Just ask me – I am the Queen of Lies…lived them, heard them, told them, and believed them.

I’ve chased; I wanted. I wanted it bad too and well…it has gotten me nowhere.

“In my heart, in this cold heart
I can live or I can die
I believe if I just try”

Still…nowhere.

What have I learned?
That my lies cannot define me.
That my lies do not negate me.
That my lies do not control me.

“All of the pain, so much power
Running through my veins
Bleeding, I’m bleeding”

I cry out for someone to find me;
I cry out for someone to stop my bleeding.;
I cry out for someone to heal me.

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Walking Backwards

March 21, 2019. 8:02 am

Still working through the devastation, trying to clear out the words that don’t matter. And what! Hanging onto the ones that do? That doesn’t make sense? So exactly what am I doing?

Walking backwards.

It’s a pointless motion as it takes you no where. I just feel myself consumed – going over each and every year, day, moment. How does one uncover 30 years of stuff? It’s so unhealthy and yet, I’m still walking backwards.

I’m not even sure of what or where I’m headed. I’ve never been so unsure of my life before. How do I heal? Does it matter? Do I matter anymore? What does matter?

What used to give me solace before was my upbringing – and now that has been shattered, what is it that will bring me peace? I need it badly.

I don’t even know.

What I do know is that my children matter.

The ferocity I feel in protecting them has never been stronger. How did I come to trust so much when my life was nothing but an antithesis of it. How did I learn to be trusting though I know under the layers of my thick skin, I did not. Man I was literally fucked up in my thought process – illogical? Irrational? How did I justify it? He was right to leave me,

I understand now.

So here I am, walking backwards in hopes to find clarity.

Then what?

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Mind Fuck

March 19, 2019 1:52pm

I don’t like to use profanity in my titles, but I’ve been mulling over it in my head..how to title this blog – how to be diplomatic – how to be civil and not crazy…so I said, “fuck it.” There are no words civil enough for how I feel right now. It’s just a mind fuck.

I can’t wrap my head around any of it.

Four days ago….four days ago…I had a huge amount of garbage dumped on me. If ever I felt a time of loss and devastation, was then. Every day now is a struggle…before I had something to hold onto to get me through the muck, but now, I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. My existence seems meaningless no matter what.

What she told me fucked me up!

I knew my childhood was never made out of ice crystals and everything sparkly – it wasn’t Oz for Chrissake’s, but it wasn’t horribly awful either. Now – it’s shit! It’s a pile of shit I can’t seem to rid of and never will. It will hang on me as though I had been to the river bottom and back.

Why did she have to tell me? She doesn’t even see why I’m upset. She doesn’t get that what she told me is messing me up. She wants to go on as nothing has passed – ten years of silence – recovered.

What silenced her up is now tearing me up! Do I feel better about that? Yes and no. I’m glad that what she carried has now been released from her, but hate that it now sits on my shoulders. While she goes on talking about tv shows and what I like, I am heavy with distraught and she feels angelically lighter.

I’m literally fucked emotionally!

I don’t really know how it will end up – hopefully ok.

Right now, all I can hope for is ok.

Deus in manus.

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after Divorce

Jan 29, 2018  10:09 am

Yesterday marked the 6 year anniversary of when my ex-husband left me, the kids and the home.

Yesterday marked the anniversary of the dissolution of my belief in trust and loyalty.

There’s not a moment of that day have I forgotten. I remember it so clearly as if I were staring at my face in the mirror. In essence, it has remained a part of me – an enduring part of me. Not suffocating me anymore, but part of my being.

It’s funny how that happens – you wake up in an epiphany that suddenly resolves you of who you are. Well, at least that’s how I felt it happened. One day I was blogging about Red Wine Guy and the Dinner and Drinks Guy, and a few days later, realized I’m no longer subjecting myself to their behavior, no longer going to be that dice in the game. I’m not a crap shoot in the dark.

I met Sexy Hippy guy a few months back and thought…well, he’s younger, is that awful? I decided I really didn’t care. Today, I don’t care and have since decided to not dwell on his age. I like where I’m at with my life, and well…if things progress, they do – and if not, then they don’t.

I’m really not sure if it was a good night’s sleep that pushed me into this comfortable state of my reality or if it was just the progression of feelings that finally nestled into my being forcing me to feel this way? Was it a natural progression or a forced one made up of experiences? I can’t say for certain, but I’m glad it has finally taken a hold of me.

What I do know is that I lived life in so many different phases and had such mixed up emotions that I believe it some how guided me to this place. I went through different stages that allowed me to experience different moments. I used to dwell on the mistakes I made in those moments; beating myself up over the choices I made. What I failed to recognize was that those moments would flee. They were insignificant moments.

And that’s what happens.

We have insignificance in life – instead of trying to analyze what they mean, we need to just live it…breathe it….survive it. Going through a divorce is tough and just messy. It’s inevitable. What I’ve learned is to embrace the messiness. That it’s ok to be messy. Life is messy. Life is not over as we come to believe when we divorce, rather it’s lived in all of these undefinable moments of discomfort.

 My blog shows how messy and confused I was about men. I was so desperate to find someone to care for me, to love me. I was so confused about what defined me and my relationships and now know that it’s not the company I keep. It’s made up of my words and my deeds; it’s my choices and my repercussions.

It’s me. I define me!

It’s taken me six years to arrive – but I’m here now! And I’m not leaving!

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State of Me

Jan 26, 2018 1:16pm

I’ve always been an honest person – feeling wise. I’ve worn my heart on my sleeves for many years, afraid of missing out if I hid from the truth.
I do lie though for other reasons – exaggerations, to impress, to hide hurtful truths from people – I do lie.

But when he called me the other day – well texted, he said he tried to call before, but having changed my number, he never made it through. So when I texted him my truth, he replied and told me that he missed me too. He told me he misses me in ways that are not the same as the “others.” We seem to have this connection. This odd, intimate, satisfying, mystic connection. I told him everything on my mind that day. Foolish? Maybe? But I didn’t care. I wanted him to know how I felt 1200 miles away.

Of all the times that we have texted, I seem to catch him when he is nearby..like he said, though I could read his mind. I know he misses me, so why doesn’t he just say that without being prompted. Why wait. Why wait for me to say it first.

I am realizing that the men I find myself amused with are not the serious types. So I too must not be serious, but I’m a player. I play the game and when I get tired of it, I bow out without warning…like for months. Then when I have nothing more to amuse me, I go back in.

That is so wrong of me – I must be so dysfunctional that it doesn’t really bother me when I’m playing – it only bothers me when no one wants to play anymore.

That, I believe is the sad state of my reality with relationships.

Well, at least I am owning up to it now.

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Foreseeable Truth Surfaces

Jan 25, 2019. 7:14pm

You finally texted on the anniversary of the day we met in person. You were surprised that I remembered, but you had forgotten. I was just surprised that you texted me back at all. It had been about two months since we last communicated and I’m bemused that you seem to make nothing of the passing of time in between, you pick up as though these empty spaces were filled words, of feelings; instead they were just that…empty spaces amidst my cell phone.

I thought hearing from you would make me feel better but it didn’t . You finally tell me out right that we have a physical magnet between us – that’s all you said. Yet again, I want to hang onto the last part of your coattail: you know I have a physical desire for you – hoping for the chance that you’ll give me your coat.

But I mustn’t hang on: I must let go and let you keep walking the line you’re towing so that I can get ahead of this silly game we’re playing.

I’m old enough to know the truth but I seem to hide behind it – hoping for something different – and still get the same front.

Why has this become so hard? I need to walk away and not look back.

I need to learn to leave the past alone.

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